cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
