My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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