ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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