I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
