we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
