So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
