This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
