You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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