I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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