the condom got lost in my hair
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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