Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
