Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
