i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize