My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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