Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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