Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
