how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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