Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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