Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
