She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Where is the hickey?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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