When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize