I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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