PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
