closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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