we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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