Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The air taste purple.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
