Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
