theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Never underestimate the power of titties
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
