so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
my being single is dangerous.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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