Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
