If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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