Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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