I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
