So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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