the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
