Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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