Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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