I puked a lego.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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