Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
