I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
