he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
