Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
