I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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