I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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