hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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