The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
