you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
