He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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