You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
