Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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