dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
