period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
