I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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