Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
