You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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