Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
